Monday, January 19, 2015

Obama Apologizes to the French for Choosing Football Over Anti-Terrorism March

Dear French personnes,

I’ve been deep in thought while drinking a Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino at Starbucks, and feel like I owe an apology to you people for ditching France last Sunday. I realize over 40 world leaders and as many as three million people walked in the France Unity March to show solidarity against the fatal terrorist attacks on the French satire magazine Charlie Hebdo. As you know, I’m the most powerful man in the world, and up until the country started to go downhill under my administration, the U.S. was the number one superpower. Little people have plenty of free time, big people have legacies to make.

Now, I did instruct a wealthy donor of mine who lives in France, Jane Hartley, to attend the march, does that count? She raised me an impressive $500,000 in 2012, so I made her an ambassador to France last fall. Some assistant secretary at the Department of State also showed up, I can’t recall her name, a low-level official. John Kerry was in India giving an important speech on manmade global warming -er, climate change is what we’re calling it now - but gimme some credit, I did send him to France after the march because he appears kinda French. Eric Holder was already in France for a counterterrorism summit, but he bungled my instructions to attend the march - I think he got distracted by a race riot on the way there. Joe Biden was too busy cleaning his shotgun.

You gotta realize, there are some important criteria I consider when choosing my world vacations -er, travel. Do Michelle and the kids want to visit there? Right now, they are burnt out on France. I’ve taken five trips to France so far as president, more visits there than to any country except Mexico. Once you’ve been golfing at Morfontaine a few times, it gets kinda old. Currently, the “Beyonce gang,” as I call my three girls, are pressuring me for a trip to the Bahamas. Isn’t there some need for intervention in Nassau due to pirate attacks?

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